Today's Sermon: "Marriage Part 1-Leave, Cleave & Love

Scripture: Genesis 2:18, 24; Ephesians 5:25-28     

“The best way to make a marriage last is to put it first.” Franklin Jones

Good morning Strangers Rest. This morning, I am starting a series of messages on the topic of marriage. In this series I will be referring to the biblical definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman and I will be discussing marriage as defined by God’s word versus society. Every Christian couple has two choices as to how they will operate in their marriage – their marriage can be based on God’s word or on how society defines marriage. For example, God’s word does not say that the man has to be the bread winner. Likewise, God’s word does not say that the woman’s role is to stay home barefoot and pregnant as they used to say. Both of these roles are “guidelines” that society has placed on marriage which can conflict with what God’s word actually says. So, in this series I will be discussing God’s view of marriage. Also, for the couples present, you will notice on the back of the handout two questions that you can discuss at home with your spouse. The goal of those questions is to provide you an opportunity to have an open and honest discussion with your spouse about the current state of your marriage once you are ready to have that discussion.

Before I go further I want to provide some background on my marriage experience. I am not a certified marriage counselor, but I have been married for forty-two years. I have been in the ministry for forty-four years and during this time I have performed the marriage ceremony for many couples. And, because I perform Christian marriages, I am obligated to God to ensure the couple is ready to live out the vows they are making to one another with God’s blessings. For this reason, I do premarital counseling to determine if the couple is ready and fully understand what they are committing to. I have on occasion, after conducting the pre-marital counseling, refused to perform the marriage because I those marriages would not succeed because they were not ready. Understand, not every union has been pre-ordained by God but if you belong to God He will honor your choice so you need to choose wisely if you’re not praying beforehand about it. Lastly, in my forty-four years of ministry I have performed marriage counseling sessions with couples and often identified similar “issues” at the core of their problems. Some of these will be touched on in this series.

Having said all of that let me be clear: although I have all this experience and am responsible for delivering this series, everything that I will tell you applies to my marriage as well. Regardless of the years I have been married and have counseled others, I too have areas where I am still improving upon. So, as I speak what the Spirit has given to me for you, I will be speaking from personal experience and as someone who is going through the same issues that all married couples face. For those of you who are single, the words that I will share are still applicable for you because there will come a time when you will either desire to be married or if you are past that point in your life, you will have the opportunity to provide counsel and guidance to the person who sees you as a confidant. Therefore, I hope you will also be able to gleam some insights that will equip you for the days ahead.

In this first message, I will be speaking to the men. The foundational Scriptures for this message come from Genesis 2:18, 24 and Ephesians 5:25-28. I will be reading both Scriptures from the Amplified Bible. Genesis 2:18 & 24 says, “(18) Now the LORD God said, ‘It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him – a counterpart who is] suitable and complementary for him.’…. (24) For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined (cleave) to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:25-28 says, “(25) Husbands, love your wives [seek the highest good for her and surround her with a caring, unselfish love], just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, (26) so that He might sanctify the church, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word [of God], (27) so that [in turn] He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy [set apart for God] and blameless. (28) Even so husbands should and are morally obligated to love their own wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself.”

Most married couples are familiar with the phrase “help meet.” This is the term used in the King James Bible in Genesis 2:18. It reads, “And the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.’” The term “help meet” in the Hebrew is the same word other versions translate as “helper.” The adjective form of this word means “suitable.” So, in Genesis 2:18, God created a “helper” for Adam and this helper was “meet” for him. In other words, this helper was suitable, fit, and proper for him. So let us go back to the Amplified version of Genesis 2:18 which again reads, “Now the LORD God said, ‘It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him – a counterpart who is] suitable and complementary for him.’” Do you recall what was said when God was making the world? Everything that God created was said to be good. For example, Genesis 1:3-4 records, “(3) And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. (4) And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.” 

Everything that God initially created was said to be good except man, who was alone. When God made man He knew that it was not good that man should be alone, so He created someone that was suitable for him – he made a woman. I am not going to spend a lot of time on this, but there was a reason that God made a woman, a wife, which was to be suitable to the man, her husband. She was physically the opposite of him and together they became one. God could have made another male for Adam to have with him to help him, but creation would have stopped because two men cannot propagate and bring another life into this world. Adam needed someone that could fulfill him in ways his “maleness” could not. God had concerns about Adam being alone and with good reason. When you read the Bible, God exists in three unique forms – God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Together they have companionship and a relationship that is shared. Yes, God created angels, but they are not on the same level as the Trinity. Adam was surrounded by many animals in a perfect garden but there was no one like him to which he could connect. God created us for companionship and when God created Eve, she completed Adam. Eve provided a society for Adam and enabled him to produce children – she was exactly what Adam needed.

Now this is important. When God chose to make a helper for Adam that was suitable to him, He made a woman. God did not make Eve beneath Adam; she was his equal. This next statement might be hard for some men to hear because society has taught us that a woman is beneath us – but again I am going to share with you what the Word says. In Genesis 2:18 when God said He would make a “helper suitable” for Adam, that phrase in Hebrew is “ezer kenegdo.” Now listen closely men, in our society a helper is someone secondary to the primary person. In other words, their role is to help the primary person when they need help and when their help is not required they are relegated to the background until they are needed again. This is what society tells us about helpers. But that is not what God says.

In the Hebrew Ezer means “helper, aid or strength” but it is an extraordinarily strong word. This word carries the idea of strengthening someone in a way they cannot do for themselves. Men, did you hear what I said? Society has told us that our wives are beneath us, our helper, standing behind us in the background. God called them to strengthen us – to be our strength – in ways that we cannot be for ourselves! That is powerful. But it gets even better – if you stop listening to what society says about our marriages. This same word is a word that God uses to describe Himself in relation to Israel. Are you starting to see this? God used a word in Genesis 2:18 to describe what our wives relationship should be to us based on what His relationship was to Israel! For example, the psalmist wrote in Psalms 33:20, “Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield.” David also wrote, Psalms 70:5, “But I am poor and needy; make haste to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O LORD, do not delay.” Here is my point, God made woman to be to man what He was to Israel. Our wives are to strengthen us in areas where we cannot do it for ourselves. And, if we keep listening to what society tells us about them we are going to miss a lot and possibly lose the best gift God has given to us.

I know many fall back on what is recorded in Genesis 3:16 about the man is to rule over his wife after they sinned in the garden but even with this nowhere does it state that her equality with Adam was changed. Men, we need to understand that wives were never meant to be “slaves” or “subjugated” partners in the marriage union. We see an example of this with the prophetess Deborah. Judges 4:4 records, “Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lappidoth, was judging Israel at that time.” Deborah was a prominent leader in Israel, and she had a husband. Deborah was an uncommon leader because she was a woman and, this is important, she was able to maintain her marriage. Her story speaks of a strong husband who was not intimidated by what God had called his wife to do. While she judged Israel her husband respected her and supported her in the role God had placed her in. When you read the fourth chapter of Judges you find that Barak, an Israelite military leader, refused to go to battle without her and was able to defeat the Canaanites with her help. This is just one example of a Godly women doing mighty things in the Bible.

So, men, the first thing I want you to remember is that God gave us wives to be a suitable helper for us – not to serve us – but to strengthen us. They are our helpers in every sense of the word. They complete us – meaning that their Godly gifts and talents are a complement to ours and not to be seen as a threat to our gifts and talents. In fact, together, we are in a better position to fulfill God’s will for our lives.” If you are threatened by something your wife brings to the marriage, then that is on you, not her. If you prayed for your wife and you believe God answered your prayer, then He gave you what you needed and now it’s up to you to recognize it and accept the gift. You have all heard me say that I married up – that I married outside of my pay grade. In reality I did not. What I did was spend time in prayer about the woman God had for me and when He sent her I accepted her. Nikki has many gifts and talents that I do not have, and the reverse is also true. Together we are stronger than either of us would be alone and that is just the truth of the situation. So, God gave us helpers to complete us – to be strong where we are weak – and we should not be wasting our time fighting against them in order to feel better about ourselves. Also, and I learned this lesson the hard way, a Godly wife will help us identify and deal with our blind spots as we help them identify and deal with theirs.

The next thing I want to point out is what is recorded in verse twenty-four. Genesis 2:24 (Amp) says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined (cleave) to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” When the Pharisees asked Jesus if it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife, Jesus reminded them of what was recorded in Genesis chapters one and two. He said, “(4) ….Have you never read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, (5) and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED INSEPARABLY TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'? (6) So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6 Amp) When a man and a woman marry they become one flesh. Most people think of this when the man and woman join sexually, but it goes much deeper than that.

The first thing Genesis 2:24 says is that the man “….shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined (cleave) to his wife….”  Do you realize what this is saying? It is the man’s responsibility to leave his family and be joined to his wife. When a man chooses a wife, that woman becomes the most important person in his life. She is more important to him than his father, mother, siblings, best friends, and every other relationship that he has. The reason for this is simple – God has entrusted her care into his hands, and he is to honor her – not for being less than him, but because she is now an important part of him. When a man does not leave his family and places his wife above them, problems exist. When family members know what is going on inside of a husband’s head before his wife does, that is a problem, and that marriage will never reach its full potential.

The best thing that ever happened to Nikki and me after we first got married is that we never lived in a city with our families close by. We could not leave the house and drive across town to family members when we got into a disagreement. No, we were under one roof and there were days when it was quiet in the house until we figured out a way to reconnect. God commands that the man take the lead and leave his family and places his wife first. Peter says this to the men in First Peter 3:7 from the Amplified Bible, “In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.” When we can do this our relationship with our wives will be strengthen.

Husbands, our wives know if they are first in our life. If you are unsure if you have placed your wife first, ask yourself two introspective questions.   The first question is this: “When you are struggling with something, who is the first person you reach out to?” If it is anyone other than your wife, you might have an underlying issue. Second, ask yourself, “When something exciting happens in your life, who is the first person you want to share it with?” Again, if it is not your wife there may be a problem needing to be addressed. When a man leaves his family for his wife and places her first in his life, then the second part of this verse can be fulfilled.

The man is told to “cleave” to his wife (King James Version). This word “cleave” has two ideas behind it. One is to be “glued” to his wife, a picture of how tight the marriage bond is to be. The other aspect is to “pursue hard after” the wife. This “pursuing hard after” is to go beyond the courtship leading to marriage and is to continue throughout the marriage. The fleshly tendency is to “do what feels good to me” rather than to consider what will benefit the spouse. And this self-centeredness is the rut that marriages commonly fall into once the “honeymoon is over.” I want to read a story to you that sum this up beautifully. This story is about how the husband’s responses transitions after the first year of marriage.

“First Year of marriage: ‘Sugar dumpling, I’m really worried about my baby girl. You’ve got a bad sniffle and there’s no telling about these things with all the strep going around. I’m putting you in the hospital this afternoon for a general checkup and a good-rest. I know the food’s lousy but I’ll be bringing your meal in from J. Gilbert’s Steakhouse. I already have it all arranged with the floor charge nurse.’ Second year: ‘Listen darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’ve called Dr. Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl.’ Third year: ‘Maybe you had better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I’ll bring you some soup.’ Fourth year: ‘Now look, dear, be sensible. After you’ve fed the kids and got the dishes done and the floor finished, you better lie down.’ Fifth year: ‘Why don’t you take a couple of aspirin?’ Sixth year: ‘I wish you’d just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening.’ Seventh year: ‘For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing! Are you trying to give me pneumonia?’”   

Every year this husband’s response shifted from the needs of his wife to his own. In a marriage, instead of each spouse dwelling upon how his or her own needs are not being met, he or she is to remain focused on meeting the needs of the spouse. When the couple is able to achieve this then “….they shall become one flesh.” The only way the man and woman can become one flesh is when the man leaves his family and places his wife first in his life. Again, I want you to expand your thinking on the term “one flesh.” When God made Eve He took one of Adam’s ribs and that is why Adam professed in Genesis 2:23 “….This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.” The term “one flesh” means that just as our bodies are one whole entity and cannot be divided into pieces and still function, the same applies to the marriage between a man and a woman. They are no longer two entities (two individuals), but now there is one entity (a married couple).

As I said previously, as far as emotional attachments are concerned, the new unit takes precedence over all previous and future relationships – no one comes before their spouse, and this applies to both individuals. When family relationships are more important than a spouse, it is a recipe for disaster. Not only that, but it is also a perversion of God’s original intention of “leaving and cleaving” and this include children. Some spouses place their relationship with the children above their spouse. Again, this will cause problems in the marriage. Therefore men, to become one flesh in God’s eyes means spiritually first and then emotionally, intellectually, financially, and in every other way. Think about it this way, as one part of the physical body cares for the other body parts (the stomach digests food for the body, the brain directs the body for the good of the whole, the hands work for the sake of the body, etc.), so each person in the marriage is to care for the other. Each person is no longer to see money earned as “my” money, but rather as “our” money. Ephesians 5:22-33 and Proverbs 31:10-31 are good examples of this “oneness” as to the role of the husband and to the wife, respectively.

Accordingly, how can husbands ensure that they are fulfilling their Godly roles of “leaving and cleaving”? What is needed for us to leave our families behind and place our wives first so that we can become one flesh with them in every way possible? Well Paul tells us the answer and it really is a simple answer. We need to love them as we love ourselves. Let’s go back to Ephesians 5:25-28 which says, “(25) Husbands, love your wives [seek the highest good for her and surround her with a caring, unselfish love], just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, (26) so that He might sanctify the church, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word [of God], (27) so that [in turn] He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy [set apart for God] and blameless. (28) Even so husbands should and are morally obligated to love their own wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself.”

God commands that the husband love his wife. He is to seek the highest good for her with a caring and unselfish love. In other words, we are to love our wives as we love ourselves. I have told you this before, but it bears repeating. When a woman knows that she is loved and her husband only have the best intentions for her, she will follow her husband lead because she knows he will do nothing to cause her harm. And that includes leaning on her wisdom when he is dealing with something that she has more knowledge of than him. She is respected by her husband as his equal. But here is the standard by which we are to love our wives: we are to love them the same way that Jesus loves the Church and gave His life for it. Husband, do you see this? Everything that Jesus did for us was motivated by the love that He had for us, and this is how we are to treat our wives. Paul wrote that we are obligated to love them like we love our own bodies. This is not an easy task but remember love is a choice, not an emotion. We choose to love, and we choose not to love, and our actions demonstrate the choice that we have made.

The strongest love that has ever been witnessed in this world was Christ’s love for us. Therefore, a husband is in no danger of loving his wife too much, provided she is not loved more than God – God is to be first. We are to make the love which Christ had for His Church the model that we have for loving our wives. Jesus gave Himself up for His Church. Men should do the same for their wives in their love for them. Men do not tune out yet. I want you to understand this clearly. Jesus died to redeem the Church. Husbands, we are to imitate our Redeemer in this respect. As He gave Himself to suffer on the cross to save His Church, so we are to be willing to deny ourselves, and to bear toil and trial, that we may promote the welfare of the wife. I know this sound blasphemous to some men, but the truth is the truth.

It is the duty of the husband to toil for her support; to provide for her needs; to deny himself of rest and ease, if necessary, in order to attend to her in sickness and to go before her in danger; to defend her if she is in danger; and to be ready to die to save her. For some men, this is sounding like a man who is henpecked. This is the world’s view, not God’s view and when I talk about the wives in two weeks, you will come to understand the benefits of loving them. If we are shipwrecked, and there is a single plank on which safety can be secured, the husband should be willing to place his wife on the plank and see her safe despite hazards to himself. Christ laid down his life to save His Church; and a husband should be willing to do the same for his wife. I know some of you might be thinking you would give your life for your wife, so let’s put this to the test. Imagine having Sunday dinner after a long service at Church. Your wife has fixed the most holy bird, fried nice and crisp to perfection. (You know chicken is the most holy bird as it comes to Church more than any other meat.) Anyway, you are famished and ready to eat. Your wife sets before you a platter with four pieces of chicken. A nice plump breast and three wings. Which would you choose for yourself?

If your choice would be made based on what part of the chicken you like without consideration for your wife, then you might be willing to save her. I mean, if you choose the largest piece, the plump breast, and leave three wings for your wife people might question how much you really love her. Now if you nor your wife like chicken breasts and you both loved wings and you choose to take the breast so she could have the wings, then maybe your love would not be questioned. Here is my point; if we do not show our wives that we love them in the trivial things, how can we prove to them that they are first and we love them with the important things? If you want the best love, care, and devotion from your wife, love them first! Do not make the mistake that Adam made. Do you remember what Adam did when God called him out about eating from the forbidden tree? When God entered the garden and found out what they had done, Adam’s response was, “…. ‘The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.’” (Genesis 3:12) 

When God asked him had he eaten of the tree what did Adam do? Did he try and attempt to protect his wife? No! Did he cleave to her and love her as himself and therefore took responsibility for what “he” had done? No! So, what did Adam do? Adam laid his sin at Eve’s feet. He told the Creator that this woman whom He had given him to be his companion gave him the fruit and he did eat. In his statement he was really blaming God! Had God not given him that woman he would never have eaten of that tree! Adam was saying that he had no farther blame in this transgression because primarily he was not the one who plucked the fruit from the tree, Eve did! Here is something we need to remember, God commanded Adam not to eat of the tree – not Eve. It was Adam’s responsibility to make sure Eve knew (which he did) but it did not stop there. He should have gone farther and stopped her from eating since he was there with her. And men, this is especially important for us to understand – Eve was deceived, Adam was not! First Timothy 2:14 tell us, “And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.” Instead of protecting her and taking the blame, he threw her under the bus and then backed it up and hit her again.

Husbands, do you remember what I said earlier in the message? We must place our wives in the first position. When we do that we do not lay our transgressions at their feet. We do not blame them for our weaknesses and shortcomings. We do not fault them for their strengths because we think it makes us look weak. We do not side with family against them when they are right because to do so means our family is more important to us than they are. And when they are wrong it’s a conversation that stays between the two of us and no one else! We do not allow others to speak ill of them in our presence without defending them and we do not speak ill of them in no one’s presence. We do not place undue burdens upon them in our efforts to be the head of the household. If we have proven that we cannot manage finances, we do not stop them from managing the household funds to keep us out of trouble. And one last thing, we do not ever give another woman – family, friend, co-worker, etc., the attention that our wives are due. She is to be our confidante and if we cannot confide in her we need to determine why.

And men one additional point I need to make as I close. God has made me the head of my household and place my wife beside me. Because I am the head of my household, that gives me absolutely no authority whatsoever over another woman just because I am a man – especially in Church. Some Church men have the misunderstanding that all women are under their authority because God placed the man as the head of the house. Ladies, whether you are married or not, you need to understand that God has not placed you under every man’s authority just because you are a woman! When you marry you become the partner to one man and one man only. As far all these other chest thumbing roosters running around the Church and your job expecting you to yield to them because they are a man – don’t and that’s all I am going to say about that in this message.

Men, I told you that I have been married for forty-three years this year, and I still get it wrong sometimes. It does not matter how long you have been married – what matters is the decision that you make each and every day. Some days will be better than others but every day we must wake up and choose to love our wives and place them above everyone else other than God. When we do that, I promise you that you will be amazed at the response you will receive in return.

Until next time, “The Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up His countenance on you and give you peace.”  (Numbers 6:24-26)